Choosing the path of uncertainty
Back in July, I published my first Substack article by discussing the idea of a liminal space. I felt suspended in time, and I allowed myself more opportunities to play and put my own needs ahead of others. I spent the majority of my summer diving deep into the practices that ground and sustain me.
I journaled and filled notebooks with ideas, insights, and goals. I engaged in lively discussions with my online communities. I thought I was taking action and moving toward my dream of a new career. I wanted to be seen as having my sh@# together, organized, and something to show from all my time alone.
Once again, I procrastinated. I put off designing and publishing my website. I waited to write new blog posts, Substack articles, and create my first newsletter. I wasn’t teaching yoga or meditation despite completing my YTT500 training.
Why?
Because the moon wasn’t in the correct lunar phase.
The planets weren’t aligned in the sky.
I couldn’t decide on my color palette and I didn’t have professional pictures.
My family needed my attention and time.
Excuses, excuses, and more excuses.
I could go on and on but it all comes down to RESISTANCE.
From reading The War of Art by Steven Pressfield, I began to learn and understand what was keeping me stuck.
“Resistance is experienced as fear; the degree of fear equates to the strength of Resistance. Therefore the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul. That’s why we feel so much Resistance. If it meant nothing to us, there’d be no Resistance”
For me, fear reared its scary, scaly dragon head as uncertainty, doubt, and perfection.
Who am I to start an online business and ask people for money?
I’m just a mom, without any entrepreneurial skills or training.
I haven’t held a “real” job in 24 years.
What if my website looks unprofessional?
My life may look the same from the outside, yet I have changed on the inside.
During this time of deep reflection, I realized that my dedication, interest, and devotion to all of my practices had indeed opened up a path. During the hours of journaling, reading, practicing yoga, and meditation I was working through my fear and doubt. I tried to stay present with the feelings and emotions in my body. I allowed myself to stay with the “good and bad” feelings and tried not to judge them. I also began to listen to my own voice and intuition. I realized that at 50, it was about time to listen to what Blythe wanted and needed.
Through play and joy, I was re-inspired to create something new and unique. I began to dive into my creative practices with paint, markers, magazine images, and glue sticks. I tried to turn off my thinking and controlling tendencies and open up to something unknown.
These changes allowed me to reaffirm my wishes and dreams. To stay connected to what felt authentic to me. To lean into the uncertainty and let go of trying to control the outcome. To stay with the uncomfortable feelings that arise in the pit of my stomach. Those are all FEAR reminding me to stay on this new path.
I don’t want to hide and stay small any longer, though that might be the safe and comfortable thing to do. It’s time to step out of my shell and be seen and heard. I am willing to take the risks and challenges that lay ahead of me. I am reminded of this through Mary Oliver’s famous poem below.
Mary Oliver’s “The Journey”
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.
I can now see my path as a rough trail in the woods. Meandering and taking me on a journey to new opportunities and adventures. The path is winding and challenging at times with roots, steep hills, and even dead ends. I know that the only way forward to the light of my dreams is to place one foot in front of the other. Taking the “right” next step for me, in the present moment.
