Calm in the storm

I am in the middle of hurricane Ian, blasting its way through the Carolina’s. I’m watching the sky darken despite the early time of day. The wind has picked up speed and the rain has begun to pour from the sky. Living in the mountains, I have dealt with rain and snow storms that take out power and leave me stranded. But this is my first coastal hurricane and it unnerves me.

So, I roll out my yoga mat right in front of the glass sliders so I can have a front row seat of the storm. I rub my essential oil blend on my wrists, neck and third eye. I place a dropper of flower essence in my mouth and recite my sankalpa or intention. I rub my palms together, join my hands in prayer and begin my sankalpa, or sacred practice. I move into the practice by chanting the Gayatri Mantra three times.

Om Bhur Bhuvah Svaha
Tat Savitur Varenyam
Bhargo Devasya Diimahi
Diyoyonah Prachodayatt.

Translated by Donna Farhi:

Everything on earth, in between and above
Is arising from one effulgent source.
If my thoughts, words and deeds reflected this complete understanding of unity,
I would be the peace I am seeking in this moment.

I move slowly through sun salutations to ease my body awake and welcome the sun, despite its disappearance deep within the clouds. I choose Sama Vritti pranyama or box breathing and listen to the rhythm of the equal breaths and holds in my body. The breath practice settles my mind and my anxiety despite the noise outside. I transition into meditation and enjoy the background music the rain provides. I draw my attention back again and again to my breath and the rain. Closing my meditation, I pull some tarot cards and journal my thoughts and intentions for the day.

The tools within my sadhana have been curated over the past 20 years. I have layered new ones in and removed ones that no longer serve me. There isn’t a strict structure or plan. There isn’t the RIGHT way to do it. It is an every evolving practice that I get to decide.

Today, I was comforted by this practice. It reminded me of the importance of witnessing myself and my patterns of behavior.

I meant to show up to this space regularly. 

I wanted to commit to writing for myself and others.

I created ideas and threads of thought that I was excited to pursue.

But I didn’t.

Instead, I allowed my inner critic and my perfectionistic tendencies to win.

I talked myself out of sharing them with you and let them remain hidden in my journals. Shut and sealed, they weren’t seen or heard by anyone other than myself. I kept telling myself “Tomorrow…I will the do the thing tomorrow.”

Well, that day came and went, leaving me with regret and guilt. I spiraled into negative thoughts of blame and shame.

“Who am I to write?

There are professional authors in this space.

Who would want to read my thoughts and ideas?”

Why bother?

I added these excuses to the pile of reasons as to why I wasn’t showing up. I found myself retreating into old patterns of putting myself last. I put the needs of others in front of me, and spent my days serving them.

But, this time I stopped.

I took the time to pause and listen, instead of leaping in with judgement. I was kind to myself. I reminded myself that I’ve had a lot on my plate these past couple of months. I have many roles to play and sometimes I need to spend time on others first.

So, I am here.

I am starting again. Gently. With no expectations or agenda. Hopefully, taking this first step will allow me the confidence to return. Getting over the initial hurdle of sitting down and typing my thoughts and ideas to be shared.

Thank you for reading and listening.

I will see you soon!