Inbetweenness
This summer, I have been drawn to the idea of passageways. You may call them: tunnels, doorways, portals, gateways, arches, passageways or entryways. I see them on my runs, in magazines, movies and books. I am mesmerized by the different shapes they can take on - natural or manmade.
They are entrances or portals into something new and different. You can’t know what is on the other side, until you have the courage to pass through. You have to step up, take a peek through and take the first step in. Once within, you are neither here nor there. You are in the middle, the liminal space. Depending on the length and size of the passageway, you may be there for a while.
Liminality is taken from the latin root word, limen, meaning threshold. This liminal space is an intermediate or transitional stage that can occur during a rite of passage. This space can be unsettling, because you are in the middle of “what is” and “what is yet to come.” It can also be a place of immense growth and expansion.
In May, my son Graham stepped through the security gate at Chicago’s O’hare airport and was transported. He was transported into the wild unknown of Alaska for a NOLS semester course of mountaineering, kayaking and backpacking. He has been out of my sight for almost 3 months. This was a huge loss and source of grief for me. He was working and living from home, so he was my partner in crime for hiking and hanging out. It also signaled an important transition for both of us. He was stepping away from security and the comfort of home and into the unknown. Everything was removed and stripped away. I can’t imagine what that must have felt like for him. For me, stranded on the other side I was a bit lost.
This summer has been an invitation for me to play, explore, create and connect with less guilt. I am noticing old, unhealthy stories and patterns. For years, I have kept busy by teaching, cleaning, cooking, researching on the internet, organizing, planning and checking email. Some of these were necessary when the kids were small and my full time responsibility. Now, they continue to be patterns of procrastination and avoidance. They prevent me from working on new things and moving forward. I am learning about myself and asking some tough questions.
Who am I without the responsibility of caring for my kids?
Who do I want to be? Where am I going? What does my future look like?
Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed by it all. I get lost in the weeds, stuck in my head and the stories I tell myself. I have found myself returning to my sadhana. My daily rituals and practices that keep me rooted, grounded and open. Lately, I have been enjoying lots of yoga, meditation, walking, running, hiking, writing, playing in my art journals, connecting to family and friends. These embodiment practices bring me out of the craziness in my head and into my body. It is only from this place of quiet and presence that I can see glimmers of the next step.
I prefer to see this time as a portal through a secret garden instead of a manmade tunnel, made out of concrete or rock. I like to envision a meandering, natural path at my feet and tangled branches encircling me. I am enjoying the journey through, and challenging myself to stay open to what may come.
What I’ve been up to lately….
Finishing up my 300 hr Yoga Teacher Training online with Alanna Kaivalya.
Learning about the vagus nerve and its importance in regulating my nervous system over at Yogaland.
Struggling to ready through the minimalist summer guide over at Modern Mrs. Darcy.
Finally diving back into reading with Cartographers.
Writing WILD in the Magical Writer’s School.
Getting over my fear of filming and seeing myself captured on video or film. I created my first private yoga video for my sister-in-law.
Listening to Bomb Shelter while out running or walking.
Watching Persuasion over on Netflix and Sanditon on PBS. Light and beautiful scenery and wardrobe.
Diving into StoryGraph to track my reading progress and add to my long TBR list.
Hunting for an apartment in Knoxville, TN for Ethan, my oldest kid to live in the fall. Being a transfer student has made it nearly impossible to find a home with such short notice.
Camping out along with the Southern Appalachian Highlands Conservancy this weekend for the “Grassy Ridge Mow Off” in our hometown of Roan Mountain, TN.
